Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Emotional Chaos

When the sky is gloomy, dark with thunderclouds
Simple conversations with you were my solace
You were my sky full of stars
And a heart full of hope

Like a bird clipped of its wings
Land devastated after a Tsunami
Dense bushes after a forest fire
You have left me with a tattered soul

Memories surprise me with their lightning bolts
Hiding in the shadows and pouncing unexpected
They knock me out and stop the world around me
And shatters the rhythm of my ordinary life’s magic

Lyrics have a completely different meaning now
Shards of glass pierce and shred me
I cannot fathom which I am missing the most
the best friend in you or my solace of a rainy day?

How could we harm our friendship?
Head bowed in shame, I know not what to do
Unable to look at my eyes in the mirror
I loathe myself.

Breaking inside every moment
burying myself in guilt, Insanity grips me tight
In the confines of my loneliness, I scream in silence
While images of a happy decade fade into oblivion.

Vincy Joseph

Monday, November 28, 2016

Run Baby Run

One of the things that I am consistent with is my walking habit that I started some three years ago. I have been walking a good 6 kms every day, well almost.  At least 5  - 6 days in a week.    A beautiful walking track close to the place where I live, that cuts across the OTA, Officers Training Academy managed by the Indian Army is where i do this ritual  and this walking track is on the banks of  the Adyar river and half of the track is running parallel to the Chennai Airport. 

The one thing that persuades me into walking is definitely this walking track.  Its so peaceful, serene and did I tell you, it’s a nice mud road lined by neem trees on both sides at least for a 1 km stretch.  The Chennai floods that devastated all of us last year did a lot of damage to our walking track and it took more than 3 months to restore the path to its original glory.  Recently in preparation for the monsoon in Chennai, the highways department had cleared the Adyar river of unwanted fauna and flora, removed a lot of debris that had deposited in the river after the floods and raised the banks which essentially is our walking track and it looks much better than what it was.

To me, this one hour of brisk walking is more than just a walk – It is my time for introspection, planning for the day, talking to myself and sometimes having those imaginery dialogues with the people I love – sounds crazy?  Yes, I do a lot of talking to myself and engage in these monologues.  Its kicks me up for the day and also provides me the much needed exercise. though i carry my mobile with me, i am not connected to any gadgets.  I love listening to the water flowing, birds chirping and there are a variety of them, frogs croaking, crickets chirping and the wind blowing. since, I start my walk pretty early in the morning around 5.45 am, the day just unfolds in front of me, with the sun coming out announcing the day break. I would rather take in all this and revel in everyday miracles than get hooked to a gadget.

A lot of people in the vicinity come to this place, friendly ones, unfriendly ones, grumpy ladies, cheerful dogs which accompany their owners, old, middle aged and few youngsters come for the morning walk.  Some wave at me, some say a cheerful good morning and some just smile and yeah some just stare.  In return, I give back what I get :-).

It must be all the clean air and the abundance of oxygen, I feel charged up at the end of the walk and I have been able to inspire a handful of people into this habit and have brought few of them to this walking track and everyone feels the same about this place.  Though it is bang in the middle of the city, you hardly see a vehicle and this place I guess is completely devoid of pollution due to the dense growth of plants on either side of the track.  One stretch of the track is 3 kms and  takes you away from the hustle and bustle of the city life and when you return to the starting point, you are brought back to reality.

I normally walk the entire stretch briskly and cover this distance in 60 minutes, give or take 5 minutes, depending on how energetic I feel on that particular day.   A friend who used to walk with me, resident of IPS colony which is the nearest colony to this walking track introduced me to jogging and I graduated from walking to jogging.  Thanks to Susan, I now can Jog continuously for a distance of 3 km or 30 minutes. 

So when friends at office came with the Marathon idea, I wanted to give it a try. And thus I have signed up for the Wipro Chennai Marathon, 10K Run.  A group of 4 women from office, all of us who signed up for the Marathon, then together found a coach within our organisation – who has done atleast 4 full marathons and countless half marathons and was willing to be our Coach.  So on all Saturdays for the last couple of months, the coach has been guiding us for the 10 K marathon that we will running next month. 

Our training started with 1 minute jogging and 2 minute walking for the complete 6 km stretch – yeah all the runners and coach come to the walking track that I frequent.   The last couple of weeks we completed the full stretch and walked back again for 2kms and returned which made it 10 k.  And the last time we did 10K we were able to complete in 1 hour and 45 mins.  We got to improve our timing and run more. 

On 11th of December Chennai, if all goes well, which will, we will do a 10K Marathon.  Wish us luck and pray for the force to be with us.  

Sunday, November 20, 2016

A painful rememberance

When I first got introduced to this friend, there is something that was spoken, and it had struck me as something unique and something no one has said to me, till date.   We both were working from different cities and after the official meet and the chirpy voice came in and said, Hey Vincy Bye for now.  but you know what, I will turn up like a bad penny.

We went on to become best pals for more than a decade and a half.  Unfortunately, things went downhill a week back. Today while I was digging my draft posts, long forgotten, I came across this poem, written with this same friend in mind, and in essence it tuned up like a bad penny, I should say.  

Would you believe me if I tell you
I am in a constant monologue with you ?
Sharing my life’s moments, little aspirations
Memories, dreams, fears and even insignificant stuff?

Would you believe me if I tell you
I live in a make-believe world
And you are a beautiful part of it.
Everything that I have ever asked for

Would you believe me if I tell you
You piece me together when I am broken
Give me new horizons to look for and
Set my benchmark ever high so I can reach them

Would you believe me if I tell you
I feel worthwhile when I listen to you
Often realising my own worth
That has lost its sheen in my own eyes

Would you believe me if I tell you
I am so thankful you are in my life
Though I may not ever say it to you
And there’s no chance you will read this

What I believe in is the fact
That none crosses our path  without HIS plan
and you my friend
are definitely no coincidence.

Vincy Joseph

Saturday, November 19, 2016

Conversations with my Creator

I do not bear witness to this very often, but I do have these little conversations with God and there are signs that I see  during my really troubled times( literally in black and white like for example verses on a car’s rear) that without a doubt confirms to me, that it is an answer from him for the nagging questions I ask him. Sometimes the answers are so precise, that I have to look no further.

I remember writing a post on it here where I heard Him speak to me through the song in the choir.  There are other times when I am down and all sunshine drained out of my life and my favourite song plays in the choir.  It instantly peps me up and life becomes all normal.  If God is there for you who can stand against you.

So there I was, last week in church at my lowest.  I was feeling so unworthy of myself to be there in the presence of Lord for an obvious mistake also  from my side, I had a bad scene with a friend and decided it was good for me not to continue the friendship, with all the sudden negativity it generated.  Losing the friend was itself a blow in the first place, and then the way it all panned out and my part in that made me feel so miserable and low. 

There were a lot of possibilities, which I was not willing to look into and all I felt initially was just numbness.  I so desperately wanted to cry and could not.   The normal loud voice wouldn’t come out during the singing or praying and I was silent.  I couldn’t go in for communion either.  And I decided  that it was certain that God will reject my prayers.  I didn’t even pray except a feeble prayer for forgiveness.

The first reading, second reading, sermon, Communion, songs and I got no special messages.  I confirmed to myself that even God doesn’t want me.

Special prayers over, final blessing and final song nothing that caught my attention.

The final “Mass is ended. Go in Peace” appears on the LCD screen that projects prayers and songs.  I am heartbroken assuring myself God does not want to communicate with me.

And then I see the LCD screen changing.

 My case rested. :-) :-) :-) but  I had difficulty controlling my tears.

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Some conversations between Dennu and me

Its not like I completely abandoned this place because there are some posts in their draft forms that indicate that blogging has been in the back of my mind.  Here is one post that has some unexpected quirkiness thrown to a very unsuspecting mom by her adult son.  My sonny boy is no more a teenager - he is an adult from last April.  :-) :-)

Mamma: After serving  him Tea in his room sometime back, asks “  Dennu where is the tea cup
Dennu:  I washed it and kept in the sink
Mamma:  almost fainting.. but sees Dennu coming to the kitchen with the cup.  Why did you say that?
Dennu:  Just to give that grateful feeling for a minute J 

Mamma while driving:  Do you like me in short hair or long hair
Dennu:  It doesn’t matter ma, you annoy me all the same.

Dennu: So, you bought chocolate bars for Nidhi.
Mamma: yes
Dennu: Where are mine?
Mamma:  You are not a baby
Dennu:  Then why don't you buy me a bottle of beer?
Mamma: stunned look

Dennu baby is driving the car.  Mamma at the edge of the seat.  
Dennu:  I need to put a special sign on the car when I am driving with you.
Mamma :  what sign?
Dennu:  Don’t Honk.  Mamma in the car.

Dennu speaking late night to a friend.  Multiple attempts to highlight the time. Finally call ends.
Mamma:  Don’t these children on the other end have parents checking on them?
Dennu:  Ma, these Cliched “mom” statements do not suit you.  I keep telling my friends I have a cool mom at home.
Mom wondering whether it is a compliment or something else.

Mamma all excited, shows the picture of her niece Nidhi and herself, hugging each other during their recent trip. Nidhi is his little cousin and his favorite too.
Expecting a sooooo cute.. from Dennu.  Dennu is quiet for a while then murmurs
Held against will?

The most recent one - last evening 
Mamma returning from office after a tired days' work.
Dennu:  Ma, I need to buy something.
Mamma: what baby?
Dennu: Beard oil.
Mamma: What?  (  I heard that for the first time, btw)

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

Back after a break

Do you look for the old familiar spots when you are stressed out?

Do you feel like getting back to your own space, when you feel the whole world is turning in on you?

Do you  take comfort in the memory of soft-worn things  when you feel intimidated?

Wondering why all these seemingly unrelated questions?

A blend of insanity, loneliness, grief, guilt and  turmoil.  It is all these reasons which brought me here - to my own space, that is a perfect mix of anonymity and familiarity. And looks like much water has flown under this bridge, I mean, a lot of posts written by other blog friends.  My blog friend Rekha has joined the NaBloPoMo and this is her second blogathon this year.  Hurray!!! I am so excited to see the posts.  Looking forward to reading all those.  

Gilsu as usual is on a blogging spree and yes looks like i got a lot to read there too.  Ramesh, ( as Gilsu fondly refers our thala) wanted to let you know, that I miss your enlightening posts.  Especially during this uncertain and troubled times around the world, not just in our nation, your insights would help lesser mortals like me.  and its that time of the year for your trip. isnt it?

Just posting how I feel, has made me feel better.

and yes I know, this too shall pass.