Wednesday, February 04, 2015

Self Realizations

A caveat before we begin - the following is an unedited version of something I scribbled to be posted in my blog and was in the draft till now. It was written sometime Mid November 2014. Stumbled on it just now and posting it in the same rough and ready version.
Many psychometric tests that I have taken has revealed that I am an Introvert – hard to believe for anyone who knows me. I speak dime a dozen and am a big chatterbox. I realized I was a chronic Introvert after I started driving. I enjoy my company so much that the best thing I love doing is talking to myself while I drive and I seem to thoroughly enjoy it. There are times that I even switch off music because I find that intrusive in my conversations with self.
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Mental blocks are the biggest show stoppers I realize all over again. It took me 12 years to get to drive on my own. Today I guess I fairly manage to drive well. 8 months of driving without adding scratches to the badly beaten around car is my testimony. And to think I let my constraints in my mind to rule me for more than a decade, leaves me disgusted.
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It is not easy to let go off these mental blocks – and my life seem to be crowded with them. I was uncomfortable with music while driving. I got into that discomfort zone often and got over that. Wearing sunglasses was a discomfort while driving – have managed to get over that too. I thought I never had the-time to blog. I think this is the most hectic time of my life, a local travel, wedding of a cousin, niece receiving her religious habit, guests, work, an international travel on the cards next week and I still managed to write a post :-)
Yet another mental block busted :-)
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Been a lot on an introspective mood of late – not that am enlightened. I guess it is a grace to get answers for all you seek, and am not yet blessed with that grace. Anyways, I realized that I need to do something more for others, as my list included only stuff I do to please myself and my family. I volunteered to be the Catechism teacher at the Church, which means I need to be an hour and half extra at church every Sunday and consistently be there. prepare for the sessions, read bible and be thorough in the topics etc., All these years my excuse was I have a travelling job, and I may not be able to contribute. But what the heck, If I work a bit more towards being organized a bit, I guess I will work things out. Being a catechism teacher is not an attractive position, and someone who was impressed with my volunteering to a lackluster post, gave my name to be the Youth Representative and so that’s another position that I have taken up. I realize I could squeeze in all this into what I thought was an hectic life that I was leading. Now my introspection is on.
What more could I possibly squeeze in?

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My dad is a great inspiration for me especially for selfless service for others even at the cost of one’s own troubles. And he is pretty religious (that’s a mild term) So the catechism teacher position comes from his life.

What I realized was, the last week, I had to renew my passport which was supposed to expire in a few months and I need to travel in December, I was really hard pressed for time to apply for a new passport and I got in touch with an agent. I had to meet him to show my documents before he accepted money. It was a Saturday, and I had a meeting at church for the youth in the evening the next day I had classes and hence I could not meet this guy. Earlier this guy was particular about verifying the documents. I was explaining my appointments at church and how I cannot forego that, this person softened up immediately and said – Ma’am, you are so particular about church and I know all your documents would be right. I will go ahead and do the required procedures and you come when all your appointments are over.

Little things in life make your faith grow deeper. :-)
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What a person means to me is not equal to what I mean to that person. Some relationships just do not balance out. Another law of nature :-)
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It has always been difficult for me to be away from family – so much for the travelling jobs J and I have. I am going to the US for around 2 weeks in Dec and I am already missing my family. J laughs it off. The baby who made so much fuss for my first international travel, told me to bring as much chocolates as I can and didn’t mention a word about missing me or didn’t bother asking me when I will be back. Life can be cruel :-( and I will see to the two most important men in my life, after I return, suitably :-)
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4 comments:

  1. Very nice post. You really are in an introspective mood these days !

    By the way, the "baby" not crating a fuss when you were leaving is actually a nice tribute to you. After all, our role as parents is simply to let little ones fly, isn't it . Its hard , but so wonderfully satisfying.

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    1. Thank you Ramesh.

      I guess you are speaking from a very man persective about letting our little ones fly - the pride and satisfaction. and i think i am saying it from a mothers / womans perspective. It is heartbreaking.

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  2. Hi, this post is so inspiring.. you know what I mean :) yes .. .yes.. about the driving part.. lovely post..
    keep writing
    take care

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    1. Rekha, I have an internal target of enabling 5 women to drive. you are one of my targets. I really wish you drive. and trust me on this, If I can drive, anyone can drive. :-) and you are driving soon.

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