Parakeets and Doves

5.30 am.

Unable to open my eyes, I am still in a world that I have never been before. Ever.  In the distance, I could hear the chatter of Parakeets and cooing Doves and I am longing to have a look at them from the window.

My bed is the middle of the room, and through my half closed eyes, I can see another pair peering into me.   I moan a bit and unable to move, go back to my slumber.

Interrupted by discomfort, I try to turn around a bit on the bed, but the chirps of the birds, calm me down. A burly hand gently pats and reassures me.  I know that guy hasn’t slept a wink. I let things be. I have no choice.

This was 22^nd August 2018.   How do I remember the date so well, you may ask!

How can I forget?

I am going to take you, my dear readers, through some parts of my life, that I want to let go.  Writing it down here always have been comforting and in more than one way acts truly as my therapy.

Always confident about my health, an unplanned medical check, didn’t prepare me enough for a huge turning point.   The doctor who was doing the Ultrasound scan was taking longer than usual and his face was turning grim and I could sense something was wrong.  The doc, a pleasant chap, told me at the end, Ma’am,  I see two desmoid tumors in your abdomen and I want you to consult an surgical oncologist at the earliest. 

Myriad thoughts ran through my head when I drove back home that day.  My parents were home, mom was unwell and I was taking care of her.  J was away at Cochin and I know he will freak out at this message just like me, which he did.

What followed this diagnosis is something that I would never want to go through ever again.  Waiting for doctors consultation’s took most of our time.  And we met 7 doctors across the city from 7 different hospitals in less than 10 days.  J came down to Chennai on a prolonged leave.  Painful tests, Scans, allergies to medications administered for the tests, fear of the unknown, tears all followed.

The verdict was the same – from most of the doctors.  I had fairly large ovarian tumor, on which a biopsy cannot be done, since it would upstage the tumor especially if it is malignant, so I need to go under the knife and remove my uterus and the ovaries through a frozen section ( which simply means they would do a biopsy when the surgery is on), better if I did it with an oncologist rather than a gynecologist.

We only had to decide when and with whom.  The decision was not as simple as it sounds.

Finally in less than two weeks of the diagnosis I went under the knife on 21^st of August 2018.  10 days of hospitalization and for once I had J all for myself.  He didn’t move out of my hospital room in those 10 days. Poor soul did not sleep a wink most of the days I was in the hospital.

I was grounded for 2 months – had to be on complete rest for medical reasons.  No driving, no bending down, no lifting weights, not even walking too fast.   My schedules went in for a toss the whole house hold stepped up and rose to the occasion.   J made a painful choice of coming back to Chennai for good at the cost of his job. Nidhu, my 6 year old niece was my nurse for 2 weeks.  My sister came over and stayed with me during my post-operative period.  

It turned out that the tumor was  benign and I recovered pretty fast, much to the surprise of the surgeon.   Thank god for not so small mercies in life.

The whole process has been traumatic and I am still recovering from its emotional impact.  In hindsight, it was truly a divine intervention that I even went in for a medical check, given the fact that the appointment itself in the first place a big mistake made by the healthcare team. Literally, an unknown hand, pushed me for a routine check and this one surfaced from nowhere and my early diagnosis helped me to get away without much complications.  An ovarian tumor can go undetected for long periods in time and can develop complications that could be fatal. 

I know I have gotten all of you worried, putting this out here, but I want to assure you all that I have been able to get out of it pretty well and if you know the stuff I have been doing to get myself back on track, I am sure you all would be proud of me.  And I am going to write about it too.

Among some blessings in life like family and friends, if I was sure of something, it was your well wishes.

All Agog!

There is no sweeter pleasure than to surprise someone you immensely like by giving them a surprise when they least expect it.

And that exactly is the purpose of this post.

So who is that I am trying to stun?  That you will figure out as you read on.

Gils is my blog friend from my virtual world. 

And No.  He is not the one I am trying to  astonish. 

But I have to introduce him in this post to you all to set the context.  He is a perseverant blogger with 1034 posts ( as of now) to his credit.  He is a voracious reader and writes about a whole bunch of stuff, like book and movie reviews, poems, short stories, plays (yes, that included), about IT his bread winning field and puts up a lot of his perspectives about life in general.   What I love about his posts are the pun and clean humor.

There is a new addition to the topics and that happens to be his junior and its amazing to see the world through Gils’ juniors’ eyes. 

Recently I was reading one of his posts about Junior being adamant about a green toy train and he was not convinced about any other coloured train.  After many attempts in many elite places, they finally found one in a pavement shop and he settled only when he got what he had in mind.

I still haven’t reached the person whom I am trying to surprise.   Context setting is still on. No wonder one of my dear ones told me, I am not known for coherence.  He really said that to me, amidst a fight. Now I know, why!

There was a comment on that post that said, If it were me, I would have asked for Ferrari 488 Spider. 

While at Ferrari World, Abu Dhabi, during our recent trip, I dragged J into their retail space which had an impressive collection of branded products and memorabilia and pestered the store guys to show me the scale model of Ferrari 488 Spider and here is the picture of my Magnum Opus surprise for you RAMESH! :-)

Post script :

1.  Ramesh, I didn't buy that for you because, they didn't have a red colored one.

2.  Gils, I couldn't find that post on your blog anymore, though I searched for it in your blog.

Mohan Master

This post is an ode to the man I owe my independence in locomotion. The man who helped me slay yet another ghost in my head. This is a long pending post.  A swaggering 3 and a half years.  Better late than never don’t they say?

I think of this guy almost every day for the past few years, thank him in my heart,  say a bless you in my head, and start my day.  ( BTW J knows about this guy in my life :-) :-) :-) ).  Car driving is one of the most rewarding learning of my life and the freedom to move around, without depending on anyone is almost a miracle.

I got to know about Mohan Master ( that’s how he likes to be called and makes it clear) through a friend, who said he specializes in teaching women to drive.  That was bang on my need at that point in time.

Thus starts my tryst with MM sometime in February - March 2014.  As promised he arrives at 5.30 am and asks me to start the car.  I have difficulty even with that.  I wonder how I ended up getting my license in 2009. 

MM reassures me.  Maddam, ( that’s how he calls me with an emphasis on the syllable D)  if you can walk in a city road, I can teach you to drive and I am certain you will be able to.  I do not believe him, though I desperately want to.

MM starts with the basic lessons in driving.  The actual  ABC’s of driving.  Accelerator, Brake and Clutch. He tells  me to wear shoes without heels and ones that are comfortable, driving without a shoe is a strict no-no.  Then a little advanced lesson – how to hold on to the steering.  The 9 – 3 position.   Both hands on the steering and the hands never crosses over each other.  Ever.   He says it with a kind of  sternness that I would dare not disobey.

The steering should not be held tightly and your hand glides on it.  I say Ok Mohan Master, very obediently, our terms have been established.

He takes me to an empty ground and asks me to circle the empty ground in the car.  I am able to do it.  He asks me to get down and look at the wheel tracks and see if it was a perfect circle.  The circle that I thought I actually drove, is an poor oblong longing to be a circle. He gets down from the car and asks me to do that again.  I  remember being worried about driving without him next to me.  He smiles and says, someday you got to drive alone. Second time it was simpler.  Same routine – get down and check the tracks.  Third time I feel a bit proud of myself.

He tells me to get back in the car.  I get back in more confidently.  Now he says track the number 8 while driving.  My eyes pop out.  MM gives a knowing smile and I know I have no option.

The ensuing classes get tougher from circle in the reverse and a number 8 in the reverse, and  I have serious doubts if I was actually a retard. 

The coffee table topic and the lunch table topics at office is always about my driving classes, those days.  My friends pre-empt what MM will make me do in the next class.  A circle with the help of just 2 front wheels, maybe?  The next would be just the usage of 2 side wheels.  Amidst all the laughter I realise I am no good at driving.

But this man does not give up on me.  By now we have moved from the empty ground to the real road.  The timings are the same. Early morning.  Rain or shine, MM will be there at 5.30 am.   He speaks dime a dozen, about various topics.  His travels around the world, his Vietnam trip, and how he loved China. I wonder silently if this man would stop it, so that I can focus.  Made a mental note to myself to stuff my ears with some cotton the next day.  He must have seen it cross my mind, he said, Maddam my conversation may irritate you today, but tomorrow when you drive with your friends you will thank me for the invaluable skill that I have taught you.  I smile sheepishly at being caught.

MM has another peculiar habit which kind of annoyed me.  Imagine me, trying to still figure out how to hold the steering and mind you always in 9 -3 position, manage the co-ordination between my left and right leg in-between figuring out which the A, B and the C are, and to also change gears ( most often I forgot the gear component of driving).  And then I got to focus on MM’s gibberish. 

It must have been the third or 4^th driving class.  MM asks me while I was trying to roll the vehicle on a highway, how may brakes does your car have?  What the heck, I thought.  One brake is what comes to mind.  Then I realise there is something called a handbrake, and I feel smarter already.  I blurt out two a little too loudly.  That’s when he shows me my place.  Maddam, you have 5 brakes in the car and I am thinking is this fellow out of his mind?

MM explains : The moment you take your leg off the accelerator, you are slowing the vehicle and that’s a kind of brake,  The car horn slows people down on the road, that’s the second one.  Applying the clutch is another form of braking.  Then the original brake and finally the handbrake.  Smart guy isn’t he?.  Now for the annoying stuff.  Maddam can you repeat whatever I said in the same order please?

And I was like WHAT?  

MM continues very calmly, repeat Maddam please.    By now I have forgotten the sequence and even the question,  remember I am driving.

He won’t relent at anything.  Makes sure you say it, the way he wants to hear it, even if it means I got to say it 5 times.  Every lesson he teaches including the steering position, gets repeated by me word for word the way he likes it.   The lessons advanced from moving up the gears while driving, take U turns on a busy road ( by now the timing changes to 7 to 8 am), reversing the vehicle, where to look while reversing, starting a vehicle using handbrake while you stop on a slope and also Parking the vehicle. 

The lessons overwhelm me, but when  I realise MM is around, I kind of feel confident to drive.

I especially like his sense of humour.  During one of the drives, MM says, Maddam your car has four wheels.   I am wondering which lesson he is going to teach me now.  Two in the front and two in the back. I quickly think there is one wheel in the boot.   MM continues  you forget the left wheel in the front of your car.  You got to pay attention.   Ohhhhhh… that’s the lesson.

By now, if I make a mistake, MM makes me pull over to the side of the road.  I felt like a school kid then.  I got to tell him what mistake I did and what should have been done instead.  And he will not help me with the mistake I did.  There were days when I had to pull over at least 3 – 4 times, and MM would be quite unsympathetic while I am actually figuring what went wrong.

So the lessons moved to a national highway where he made me unlearn some things that he initially taught. If need be, you gotta drive with your hand on the gear, so  on the highway, he wanted  me to hold the gear and the steering with one hand each and my hand should not move out of the gear.   The speed should be at 100 km per hour.  He would also appropriately motivate saying, Maddam you do so much of stuff that I cannot do, why do you even have these doubts.  Trust yourself and go on.

Some of what MM said may sound pretty fleeting, but I realised had very profound sense in them.  Once he told me, Maddam why are you looking so tensed when you are driving?  If you get tensed your mind will go blank.  Keep smiling.  You have a nice smile.   And that will also help you to think clearly.  I realised this guy is talking about what Amy Cuddy, a behavioural scientist speaks about in her TED X talk on how our body language defines the way we think, after decades of research.  I consciously smile after hearing that.

Finally I start driving on my own, and the lessons that he made me repeat after him, comes to mind whenever I make a mistake.  Maddam  do not change the gear while you are overtaking, I hear Mohan master say it in my head, when I do that on road, even today.   I smile in gratitude for those lessons.

A couple of weeks back, I parked my car in a an unobtrusive spot and when I come back from shopping, see a pick up truck just behind my car completely blocking my way out.  I waited for a while, to see if the driver is around.  I saw a guy hovering around the vehicle and checked if he was the driver.  He says the driver has gone into the building and will take 30 minutes to come.  I tell him that I need to take my vehicle out, and check if he can move the vehicle a little forward.  I cant drive, but the truck’s key is in the vehicle we can get someone to move it forward, he says.  Couple of men passed us and none one of them knew to drive.

Thats when it dawned on me, what the heck, you can drive Vincy.  I got into that fully loaded Yellow TATA 407 pick up truck and with some difficulty started the engine, figured out the first gear and moved it to the place I wanted. 

Hurray, Vincy !!! Mohan Master will be proud of you!!!

I wish I remembered to take a selfie :-(

Run Baby Run

One of the things that I am consistent with is my walking habit that I started some three years ago. I have been walking a good 6 kms every day, well almost.  At least 5  - 6 days in a week.    A beautiful walking track close to the place where I live, that cuts across the OTA, Officers Training Academy managed by the Indian Army is where i do this ritual  and this walking track is on the banks of  the Adyar river and half of the track is running parallel to the Chennai Airport. 

The one thing that persuades me into walking is definitely this walking track.  Its so peaceful, serene and did I tell you, it’s a nice mud road lined by neem trees on both sides at least for a 1 km stretch.  The Chennai floods that devastated all of us last year did a lot of damage to our walking track and it took more than 3 months to restore the path to its original glory.  Recently in preparation for the monsoon in Chennai, the highways department had cleared the Adyar river of unwanted fauna and flora, removed a lot of debris that had deposited in the river after the floods and raised the banks which essentially is our walking track and it looks much better than what it was.

To me, this one hour of brisk walking is more than just a walk – It is my time for introspection, planning for the day, talking to myself and sometimes having those imaginery dialogues with the people I love – sounds crazy?  Yes, I do a lot of talking to myself and engage in these monologues.  Its kicks me up for the day and also provides me the much needed exercise. though i carry my mobile with me, i am not connected to any gadgets.  I love listening to the water flowing, birds chirping and there are a variety of them, frogs croaking, crickets chirping and the wind blowing. since, I start my walk pretty early in the morning around 5.45 am, the day just unfolds in front of me, with the sun coming out announcing the day break. I would rather take in all this and revel in everyday miracles than get hooked to a gadget.

A lot of people in the vicinity come to this place, friendly ones, unfriendly ones, grumpy ladies, cheerful dogs which accompany their owners, old, middle aged and few youngsters come for the morning walk.  Some wave at me, some say a cheerful good morning and some just smile and yeah some just stare.  In return, I give back what I get :-).

It must be all the clean air and the abundance of oxygen, I feel charged up at the end of the walk and I have been able to inspire a handful of people into this habit and have brought few of them to this walking track and everyone feels the same about this place.  Though it is bang in the middle of the city, you hardly see a vehicle and this place I guess is completely devoid of pollution due to the dense growth of plants on either side of the track.  One stretch of the track is 3 kms and  takes you away from the hustle and bustle of the city life and when you return to the starting point, you are brought back to reality.

I normally walk the entire stretch briskly and cover this distance in 60 minutes, give or take 5 minutes, depending on how energetic I feel on that particular day.   A friend who used to walk with me, resident of IPS colony which is the nearest colony to this walking track introduced me to jogging and I graduated from walking to jogging.  Thanks to Susan, I now can Jog continuously for a distance of 3 km or 30 minutes. 

So when friends at office came with the Marathon idea, I wanted to give it a try. And thus I have signed up for the Wipro Chennai Marathon, 10K Run.  A group of 4 women from office, all of us who signed up for the Marathon, then together found a coach within our organisation – who has done atleast 4 full marathons and countless half marathons and was willing to be our Coach.  So on all Saturdays for the last couple of months, the coach has been guiding us for the 10 K marathon that we will running next month. 

Our training started with 1 minute jogging and 2 minute walking for the complete 6 km stretch – yeah all the runners and coach come to the walking track that I frequent.   The last couple of weeks we completed the full stretch and walked back again for 2kms and returned which made it 10 k.  And the last time we did 10K we were able to complete in 1 hour and 45 mins.  We got to improve our timing and run more. 

On 11^th of December Chennai, if all goes well, which will, we will do a 10K Marathon.  Wish us luck and pray for the force to be with us.  

Conversations with my Creator

I do not bear witness to this very often, but I do have these little conversations with God and there are signs that I see  during my really troubled times( literally in black and white like for example verses on a car’s rear) that without a doubt confirms to me, that it is an answer from him for the nagging questions I ask him. Sometimes the answers are so precise, that I have to look no further.

I remember writing a post on it here where I heard Him speak to me through the song in the choir.  There are other times when I am down and all sunshine drained out of my life and my favourite song plays in the choir.  It instantly peps me up and life becomes all normal.  If God is there for you who can stand against you.

So there I was, last week in church at my lowest.  I was feeling so unworthy of myself to be there in the presence of Lord for an obvious mistake also  from my side, I had a bad scene with a friend and decided it was good for me not to continue the friendship, with all the sudden negativity it generated.  Losing the friend was itself a blow in the first place, and then the way it all panned out and my part in that made me feel so miserable and low. 

There were a lot of possibilities, which I was not willing to look into and all I felt initially was just numbness.  I so desperately wanted to cry and could not.   The normal loud voice wouldn’t come out during the singing or praying and I was silent.  I couldn’t go in for communion either.  And I decided  that it was certain that God will reject my prayers.  I didn’t even pray except a feeble prayer for forgiveness.

The first reading, second reading, sermon, Communion, songs and I got no special messages.  I confirmed to myself that even God doesn’t want me.

Special prayers over, final blessing and final song nothing that caught my attention.

The final “Mass is ended. Go in Peace” appears on the LCD screen that projects prayers and songs.  I am heartbroken assuring myself God does not want to communicate with me.

And then I see the LCD screen changing.

 My case rested. :-) :-) :-) but  I had difficulty controlling my tears.

I did'nt sign up for this!!!!

I was telling you in the last post here how I have signed up for being the Catechism teacher at Church.

It is now mandatory for children who are in school, in every parish to be part of the catechism classes that are organized in the church every Sunday.  The format is very structured, but in certain states like Kerala it runs so beautifully, that a Sunday Catechism is conducted  literally like regular main stream school.  The attendance is marked, every class has a teacher, there is a standard curriculum followed, recommended books, examinations and children need to clear the evaluations, to move from one class to another.  Not so well in any other states I guess.  Chennai is no better.
 

So the whole structure is a little fuzzy and for someone like me who likes being organized and formal, this is a little difficult to handle.  ( I realized I find a lot of stuff that is difficult to handle just last week, but that is fodder for another blog post, maybe)  But I am mentally prepared to manage this and I instruct  myself to fall in place with the madness around these classes when I signed up for this.
 

So today, I walk in for the Catechism class, and I get a message from the senior co-ordinator that two teachers are on leave, and hence between the remaining two of us, we have to manage.
 

And by the way, must be my age, the moment I said I am in for this as a tutor, the senior co-ordinator   at church told me that I have to handle the children coming from the higher secondary classes, and I have been handling the older children till now.  Which means my preparation for the sessions need to real good and I also realized how limited my knowledge is in the religion itself, and I am not mentioning about how much I know of the bible.  Shame on me. My father stands first in Bible Quiz held at a city level, which also includes some nuns as participants and he did that some 7 or 8 years in a row. I digress again.
 

So today while assuring the senior coordinator that I will take care, I realized that the little children, the ones who are in grades  4 and below had no teacher and so I just out of curiosity thought of handling them.
 

First of all I realized if you had to get the attention of these kids, you need to be real good and its not simple.  So I had to add a lot of drama to my sessions. Lots of movements, lot of voice modulation, swaying and headshakes, and using my hands and literally my entire body and all my lessons that I learned over a period of time, as a Learning and Development professional had to put to good use to get it, and I did.
 

As per the lesson plan I had to teach them Creation and once I had their attention, I started telling them the story of creation.   I felt like a pied piper in front of those kids.  They taught me the meaning of optimistic curiosity, pure enthusiasm and sense of wonder -  they were swaying along with me, putting out their hands and loudly emoting when I asked them questions, with eyes that opened out like a saucers when I explained how god created the various animals and living things.  Their Jaws dropped when I narrated how God created Adam from clay and breathed life into him,  and it stayed that way for a long time ( the dropped jaws, open mouthed – you should have seen how cute they looked).  When I told Adam was an unhappy man since he had no company, their brows contracted, lips drooping down and had such a sad face, that I felt no wonder God created Eve for Adam.  And this was so different from the reaction you manage to get out of the grown ups in the IT industry.
 

I was so thoroughly enjoying this and I didn’t see how 45 minutes flew past in a jiffy, leaving me wide eyed, happy, content and blessed.  Infact, I had yet another reason to thank god for, today. Among other things.
 

Now you see, this is not what I signed up for.  :-)

P.S:
Catechism classes : Classes conducted in the churches of predominantly, Roman catholic churches, to teach the principles of christian religion

Parish: A small administrative district in the catholic church typically having its own church and a priest.

Driving my way into Spirituality

I was not aware if Driving and Spirituality are connected, but the way I started with driving, I was pretty sure it was.

In the initial days of my driving alone to office, I stood in front of our altar at home everyday, begging Jesus to come with me in the car. I guess he obliged, and I also believe he was the one who drove the car instead of me. Sounds funny right? Before turning on the ignition, I tell Jesus that I am not going to drive, it is he who is driving, so take the complete responsibility.

Every move, every turn, every maneuver, was prefixed with a mild Jesus (which sounded like Jeez) and in crowded and some difficult areas, it became multiples of 2 or 3 or 5 depending on how scared I was. I don’t know if anyone would understand this, but those initial days I was shitting bricks. And then there are times when the difficulty levels were so high, on the road that calling Jesus in multiples of 5 would not suffice and I had to resort to the Malayalam version of the Lords Name, “Eeshoye” which meant I reached my saturation point after which I will lose all control of myself.

I used to call Jesus so much that I truly believed at one point, that out of frustration, he will appear and shock the daylights out of me.

Having not got used to listening to music in the car yet, for obvious reasons like not losing control of the important sounds ( read honking and other noises that need my attention) the music system is normally not switched on. Though I am fine with people talking while in the car, thanks to my driving instructor, Mohan Master, who spoke dime a dozen, to a point that his conversations were a distraction while driving.

Oh and this needs a special mention - I have a particular pair of shoes that I normally drive in, which is flat and something that I cannot wear with most of my clothes that I go to office in, and the car at times looks like a shoe godown, I might end up having more than a few pairs of other shoes that I change into when I get off the car. That’s beside the point though.

So within the confines of the car, I am alone and the only thing that I focus on are my conversations with my Lord. And I think the conversations that I have with Jesus during the drive are the most honest, most intense and that’s why I probably been able to drive, and am able to get out of the fear of driving.

The first week of driving, and my fear was at its peak, the only thing that I kept coming to me once I reached office was, I have to drive back home and once back home, the whole night I was petrified about driving to work the next day. I continued my dialogue with God and continuously conversed with Him to get over this fear. As usual I went to church that Sunday, In fact, Joe made me drive to Church.

My prayers were intense than usual and I in all earnestness laid down in front of Altar all the doubts and fears that I had and told him He has to help me get over the fear of driving.

During the Eucharistic ceremony of the mass, this is where the bread and wine are distributed to the congregation as the body and blood of Christ and the song played by choir was one of my favorite.

The song begins like this,

                      O the word of my Lord

                      Deep within my being,

                      Oh the word of my Lord,

                      You have filled my mind.

As usual I was singing this song along with the choir, of course loudly, and then there was this para where the Lord spoke to me directly. He couldn’t have said this any more directly than this and the para goes like this.

                       And everywhere you are to go

                       My hand will follow you;

                       You will not be alone.

                       In all the danger that you fear

                       You’ll find me very near,

                       Your words my own.

By the time I reached the last line of this para, I was crying. I do not know if this makes sense, but I felt that while I called out to him in my helplessness, He strengthened me through these words.

Glad that Driving has helped me get one step closer to God.

P.S:

I am gotten over the fear of driving now, well almost.

I still pray before I drive.

I still converse with Jesus during the drive.

I still do not switch on any music. Yet.

你想念我 (Nǐ xiǎngniàn wǒ?)

For seemingly simple questions of life in general, there are no easy answers, worser still, there are no answers at all.

Do any of us have answers for these atrociously simple questions?

Which came first Chicken or Egg?

Why is Yawning contagious?

or Why didn’t I blog so long?

So, you get the point right? Just like you, I do not have answers for any of these questions.

While I faintly considered options of quitting, the lure of each one of you who come in here and read me, and those who also leave me such wonderful comments, didn’t help me visualize that as a great choice. Just a while ago, with absolutely nothing in mind for a blog, I decided to get back here and make a fresh new start ( well almost). Don’t they say, Better later than Never?

And so folks, here I am with a heart full of wishes and prayers that we continue to do well in whatever we do, this year too. Happy New Year to you all.

As I keyed in these words, I am feeling absolutely silly for even have thought of quitting as an option.

For those you are wondering what the title of this blog is, its yet another simple question, which asks you “ Did you Miss me ?” in Chinese.

Please say YES in a language of your choice :-)

A lazy saturday morning and a reason to be thrilled to bits

Today is one of those days that I wish were in plenty in a month.   After sending  Sonny to school, (he insisted on a lunch from his canteen probably fed up of my lunches, no he specifically said all his friends were planning to eat together at the canteen today,  with hubby dear away on a trip and will not return till this evening, read midnight,  the compulsive cleaning / dusting /vaccuming  of our home done last saturday, today looks like a dreamers paradise.

Havent been getting any ME time of late,  and I am determined to make the best of the day.  After a quick breakfast I sat down to give a hard look at my blog, added some gadgets, do you see the difference on my bliog? ( BTW, Vincy Who are you speaking to?  Still fantasising a reader base?  - just a little self-reprimand folks) and also blog waltzed into reflections.  I should say the blog is simply good and my kinda space.  Loved reading everything that i managed to read in a couple of hours.   Like I mentioned in the comment that I left her, truly felt like a kid in a candy store. :-) yep I left a comment for her following one of her tips in her blog post.

I  really didnt have a topic in mind when i started to blog today and I know some days the topic evolves and you stumble on stuff enexpectedly, like how met Diana online. :-)  I have to tell you something about my self, I have been dilly dallying about changing the look and feel of my hair  for the last 5 years.  yeah you saw it right it was last 5 years.  

I even tried temporary stratightening a couple of times to check how it actually looks and though I was convinced about the way my hair fell on my shoulders, I was wondering if i might lose more hair or if i will damage what i already have.  I should tell you this, I like my original texture of my hair and though it is not as thick as it used to be when i was younger, its still decent and I do end up getting some compliments for my hair.  Its just that the devil gets into your head sometimes and just plays some pranks and some of these thoughts never get away until you give in to the temptations.

I know I will not get any support from my hubby dear as he feels strongly against anything done to my hair - just that he stopped commenting on it these days as he knew I cannot be controlled on matters of mane.  :-) So finally I took that important decision just before my birthday that I am going in for an hair smoothening treatment and told myself that this one i am doing for myself, a gift to myself on my 42nd birhtday and nothing was going to stop me.  I also wanted to surpirse ( to be read as create displeasure) everyone at home and booked an appointment with my beautician. 

If you read my earlier post here, you would know my dad had a surgery on my birthday and my date with the beautician had to be cancelled.  With my dad going through a surgery i was in no mood to go in for a life defining decision for myself.  So it got put off to later and finally I got it done the beginning of this month and I should tell you I just love the feel of it.  It feels good, my hair does not feel messy these days, not many bad hair days and the best part is even in the dust and grime of Chennai where i live, I manage to leave my hair loose.  I just love running my fingers through my hair, the hair fall surprisingly has reduced - i was so worried, I even begged pardon to my hair for putting it through chemical and heat treatments as part of this process and was pleading it not to protest by dropping off.

So, I am loving myself and I also coincided my hair smoothening just before my team meeting so I got to show off my new found fantasy.

I am now leaving you all with a picture taken during the meeting that I was MCing, by one of my silent team mates without my knowledge,

Dont I look quite content with myself?  I am.

Folks you would do me a favour if you leave a comment. wont you? besides, I truly  would love listening to you, so dont forget to leave a comment on my blog :-)

Decision

I heard Narayana Murthy, chief mentor of Infy, the other day on TV, say " The softest pillow is clear self conscience" - I am not sure if I was looking for the softest pillow when I took this decision.

But my decision certainly has more to it than the softest pillow part - it is taken out of love, care and consideration ( of self ? which one?). Is that what Jeevan Vidhya taught us anyway?

I took this decision strangely on a day when everything was going on fine. I was so happy and amidst all that happiness, I thought it is time to decide, now or never.. It was my decision a decision that came from deep within my soul and I had to prepare myself psychologically, run it over and over again in my mind, write it down and get myself to accept it so that when that moment came, i could just go ahead and do it.

I thought of all the pros and cos - like what I will lose in life ( that was quite a bit ) and what i will gain( noone will ever know it, though ). It was a herculean task with surprisingly pro's and con's balancing out making it all the more difficult to ensure that the decision can be taken at all in the first place..

But triumph was mine. I stuck to my guns ( atleast till this moment). It was difficult to start with, it is difficult to continue. Pain, ache, sweat, tears, anxiety, tempatation - name it and I have gone through it all in a short time.

I asked for divine intervention, gave it a new year resolution's tint and what not, just to ensure that i go ahead with it.

Everything is going as planned - hope it will continue. Results are showing as expected and lets see how long i can hold on to this resolve..... and for those who are breaking your head on what the decision is - its some load shedding.. He he he